BENTLEY MEMOIRS

David was Head of Asset Management at CIPFA for over 20 years but has recently ‘semi-retired’ and moved to live in the Scottish Highlands north of Inverness. If you are interested in his photography website and ‘Grumpy’ travel guides, they can be seen at https://davidjbentleyphotography.com/ .You may even be tempted to stay at his Bed and Breakfast which can be viewed at cuillichmill.co.uk; if it’s any comfort, he assures me that he is not responsible for cooking the breakfasts.

David recounts more tales of his Scottish B&B, and trips to Orkney and Slovenia. And hard to believe, but David’s asset management skills are now being put to the test in Eastern Europe. 

Home affairs and gloops 

This is our fifth year running a B&B in the Scottish Highlands (time does go by so quickly when you’re changing duvets) and every year the editor has promised to come up and see us [Ed – actually, I havn’t!]. We’ve already hosted a past president and having the esteemed editor stop with us would do wonders for our marketing as a celebrity endorsement. Even without the visit of ACES dignitaries, we still seem to be keeping busy. My secretary duties on the local community council seem to expand into any free time I have available. I’ve also been doing some ‘crafting’ (making things to sell to tourists for those who were wondering), which a lot of talented people seem to do up here. So, I suppose the word talented counts me out, but it keeps me out of some of my mischief at least. I’ve included a picture from one of the recent craft fairs I attended, in case anyone is in desperate need of a coaster or wall plaque. Note to editor - maybe you could purchase a job lot as gifts for speakers at the next ACES Conference; I still have my cherished paperweight from Bath in 2006. 

Craft Fair Display

Anyway, on to other things. Those afflicted with the ability to recall useless information may remember the one hit wonder by Lieutenant Pigeon that made it to the top of the charts in 1972. "Mouldy Old Dough” the title of the track, and also one of the only two lines that were sung or more descriptively bawled out during the performance. If I’d been more curious at the age of 10, I might have researched what the song was actually about (nothing according to Google), and as to who Lieutenant Pigeon was. Apart from coming from Coventry, I couldn’t really discern any military bearing or avian pedigree. 

So where is all this prattling rubbish going, I hear you say? Well, until a few weeks ago Lieutenant Pigeon and its epic wonder-song (sarcasm in case you’re wondering) had been banished effectively from my mind. However a recent traumatic occurrence has brought the irritating tune back into memory, a nightmarish earworm that I just can’t escape from. 

The ‘mouldy old dough’ in question is a new lodger called ‘Lucy’. Don’t ask me why she/it is called Lucy, because Lucy is a nice name, while our new lodger is more of a sinister presence in the form of a ‘sourdough starter’.

For those who don’t know (me included until the last few weeks) a sourdough starter is a living, fermented mixture of flour and water that contains wild yeast and ‘beneficial bacteria’, acting as a natural leavening agent for sourdough bread. So, there you go, and thank you Mrs ChatGPT. 

‘Lucy’ or ‘Fungus the Bogie-Woman’ as I’ve named the entity, gets better treatment than me or the dogs, being carried around from room to room if one is too hot, or too cold, and is regularly fed to make sure it ‘thrives’. Mrs ChatGPT also suggests the fermentation process creates a distinctive tangy flavour which experience has now taught me means ‘distinctive tangy pong’. 

So, this Lucy gloop sits in a corner bubbling away and growing ever larger. I’m sure it’s watching me, waiting for the moment to pounce. I’m almost expecting to come down one day and find it oozing through the bulging dining room doors as it starts its unstoppable mission to take over the planet. Leila says I’m being silly but those of you who’ve seen ‘The Blob’ or watched Dr Who when it used to be good (John Pertwee, Tom Baker et al) will know exactly what I mean. 

I have to say in recent days my fears have somewhat reduced as Leila has produced several extremely tasty sourdough loaves. My slight concern is that this is some sort of cunning malevolent plan to lull me into a false sense of security before Lucy’s world domination commences. 

Orkney break 

It’s not often we get chance to have time off in B&B season, but last September we spotted a potential 3-day ‘window’ in the bookings. The Orkney Islands had been on our to do list since moving up. So near, but so far, taking account of the ferry sailing required to get there. Also normally being limited to the winter season doesn’t really help, so weighing it all up, we took the plunge and blocked the B&B before any of those pesky tourists (or ACES editors) booked up and foiled our plans. 

With ‘seasonal storms’ predicted, we managed to miss the worst of the winds on the northward crossing. It didn’t stop several passengers reacquainting themselves with their lunch on the rolling deck. Us hardier sailors (and hardier sailors’ dogs) just about survived, even if we were a slight tinge of green by the time we disembarked at Stromness. 

Arriving late at our first campsite we were greeted by Catweazle (or at least a Catweazle lookalike). (Note - for those under a certain age, Catweazle was a kid’s programme in the early 70s. I never really liked it, but as there were only three TV channels, and no recording stuff to watch back later, there wasn’t really much choice. Kids of today, don't know how lucky they are, recordable TV and ACES Terrier! Anyway, I digress). Our Orkney Catweazle ushered us along a corridor and opened a door to a shower. He stood back so we could see inside; fortunately it wasn’t occupied. 

“Take a look at this floor, do you see how clean it is?” We nodded compliantly. “Well, it’s not me that cleans the showers, it’s our guests that clean the showers, and I expect you to clean them to this standard. Do you understand?” We nodded, this time more rigorously, like school kids instantly calculating it was safer not to have a shower than risk the anger of the slightly deranged headteacher. I don’t remember Catweazle being so fixated with cleanliness, but maybe he’s just gone a bit more obsessive compulsive in his older age. Fortunately, we were only one night at Catweazleville so missing a shower wasn’t too much of an environmental hazard. 

Standing Stones of Orkney

According to the warden at our next campsite (who was much more friendly and nothing like Catweazle), September is a busy time in Orkney. It didn’t seem that way to us but maybe it’s a question of degrees. We took the dogs for a bracing walk along a deserted beach, with both of them deciding it was pretty neat to roll around in the seaweed. It looked like fun and I did consider joining them [Ed – see introductory photo to believe this] until a picture of a frowning Catweazle formed in my mind.

The upshot was that they stank, so much so that we headed off to Kirkwall (Orkney’s largest town) to try and find dog shampoo. The prospect of a stinky night in the van wasn’t too appealing, and by that time I had managed to have a shower. Lidl and Co-op came up blank. I asked the customer services at the large Tesco - same response but the lady helpfully advised the use of tomato ketchup applied all over. At first I assumed she was confused and thought we were on about ‘hot dogs’ but she went on to elaborate “leave it on for thirty minutes and then wash it off and the smell will be gone”. We weren’t particularly sure how we could control two liberally sauced-up dogs for half an hour, so we declined the ketchup idea and decided to explore further into Kirkwall where a ‘Home Bargains’ solved the problem, while at the same time creating another, as they had far too many dog shampoos to choose from. 

Thinking on it afterwards, I was suspecting that Tesco’s just ordered too many bottles of Ketchup by mistake and were trying to palm it off as a solution for everything: 

“I’ve got a smelly dog.” “Cover it in tomato ketchup.” 

“What Ice Cream toppings have you got?” “Have you ever considered tomato ketchup?” 

“I’ve got a pain in my ankle.” “Rub tomato ketchup on it.” 

“What can I give my wife for our anniversary?” “I’m sure she would love a bottle of tomato ketchup?” 

And so on, but to my utter surprise it is a thing! According to Google, using tomato ketchup is – ‘a popular but risky DIY method to neutralize strong odours.’ So, there you go, or not as in our case, because after consulting with Flo and Archie, we’re going to stick to the dog shampoo. 

Once we had clean dogs we decided to search on-line for some ‘clean’ dog friendly cafes, and were given three options. On arrival at the first of these we were met with a sign saying, ‘Closed due to inadequate staff’.

Whether they meant they didn’t have a sufficient number of staff, or whether the staff were in fact inadequate, we couldn’t establish as they were never open when we passed during the following days. The second ‘dog friendly cafe’ said they didn’t allow dogs when we enquired in person. Maybe they just took an objection to ours, maybe it was the seaweed smell, or the fact they weren't coated in tomato ketchup. 

So, we moved on to our final hope which was fortunately open and did indeed allow clean dogs. The problem was that by that time they had very little food left; moving down the menu it was easier to list what they did have, than what they didn’t. Leila snapped up the last portion of Mackerel Pate, leaving me with the ‘Orkney Cheese Taster’. (It was either that or a cheese sandwich, or indeed cheese on toast). Good job Wallis and Gromit hadn’t visited before us otherwise I would have been left with a bag of crisps. By the time we had finished eating, our ordered hot drinks were noticeable by their absence and after a casual enquiry, only materialised several minutes later with a mumbled apology and blaming one of the staff members who had gone on her lunch break. 

With limited options the following day we decided to risk the same cafe, this time arriving earlier to ensure more choice from the menu. Indeed, there were choices a plenty but again the hot drinks didn’t arrive. This time however they didn’t believe we’d ordered any. It was only showing the amount of the pending credit card transaction on Leila’s phone that they condescended to provide us with our ordered coffees. The customer is clearly always right, but only if they can provide digital evidence! All I can think is that the inadequate staff from the first establishment were now being employed at the third. I have to caveat that it was our only real negative for food in Orkney: everywhere else we went the food was great and service friendly and excellent. 

Scara Brae 

Many of those who travel to Orkney will visit Skara Brae, an incredibly preserved stone-built Neolithic settlement that dates back some 5,000 years. It’s something I particularly wanted to see, and not just because it would remind me of my childhood. We’d organised it so we could go on the way back to our homeward ferry sailing. 

We had plenty of time, but on arrival at the site there was a notice saying it was closed due to safety. On closer enquiry we were informed that it was too windy for visitor access, although there would be another health and safety inspection in an hour. We went for a walk on the nearby beach (where the wind didn’t seem too bad) and returning an hour later were gratified to find it had just opened, although we were warned to be careful and that there would be an extra staff member out there to provide safety advice. 

Intrigued, we walked along the coast to the site trying to imagine what perils awaited us. The lady at the gate explained that one section of the site was a very narrow path with a drop on each side, indicating the width with her hands outstretched. It was similar to a fisherman trying to estimate the one that got away, but only in this case the smaller, the more dramatic. With all the warnings I envisaged tightrope walking across a bottomless pit. An additional Hi-Viz attired member of staff was waiting for us just before the danger zone to reinforce the warnings. In the end, the path was many times wider than the hands outstretched demonstration, and the drops a couple of metres, or so maximum into the excavations. All the warnings did seem a little over the top, even so I did peer down looking for evidence of previous visitors who might have met their doom. 

Later, while waiting at the ferry terminal I googled ‘health and safety incidents at Scara Brae’. I suppose it’s not surprising with all the visitors that some have indeed fallen into the excavations. In the main, these were attributed falling over when stepping back to take photos, which I suppose I have been known to do once or twice. 

Asset management abroad 

For those wondering from my ramblings if I still do any asset management related work, the answer is ‘yes’, and most recently I’ve been lecturing on public sector asset management to various countries from Southeast and Eastern Europe. Ljubljana was the location and is definitely up there as one of the most difficult capital cities to spell, but at the same time, would be a great score in scrabble. OK for those more pedantic among us, I know you’re not allowed proper nouns, there’s only one ‘J’ in a box, and it’s more than 7 letters, but hopefully you know what I’m getting at. 

I did have a few real concerns and questions before the first day including: 

• Would they stay awake? - Surprisingly yes 

• Would they actually understand my Brummie accent? – It seemed to go OK 

• Would they get my jokes? - Probably about 20% (which is probably more that the editor) 

• Had they heard of West Bromwich Albion? - Hmm not so good on this one. 

The journey over to Slovenia was long, but worked reasonably well. Inverness to Amsterdam, then the Brexit benefit of 40 minutes to contemplate life in the non-EU passport queue (while EU citizens zoomed past), followed by a flight to Zagreb, before a final 90-minute taxi journey in the early hours of a Sunday morning. That gave me Sunday to recover before the event started first thing Monday. The week seemed to go OK and the attendees appeared to stay awake throughout, which is always a bonus (I was going to make a quip about ACES conferences, but knew if I did I would get a severe reprimand!). 

By Friday night however I was feeling rough. I wasn’t sure if I’d got out of the habit of talking non-stop for so many days, or whether I was just coming down with something. I do know that if I hadn’t booked and paid for a trip to see ‘The Highlights of Slovenia’ on Saturday, I might have just stayed in bed. 

After a disrupted night’s sleep I can’t say I felt much better, but managed to find my way down to the minibus pick-up at the appointed time. My fellow ‘Highlights of’ participants were like me, either just starting some work/conference in Ljubljana or just having finished it. We had a paediatrician, two engineers, a physiotherapist, an HR executive and of course a quantity surveyor. The countries represented were also an eclectic mix - Brazil, Portugal, Thailand, India, USA and a Brummie who lives in the Scottish Highlands. 

Our first stop was Postojna Cave, the most-visited tourist cave in Europe and the longest publicly accessible cave in the world. It was also the first cave to have a railway, which has been in operation for over 140 years. The place was packed with seemingly every nationality on the planet (and possibly some from another planet judging by the way they were acting). Amazingly, this was meant to be quiet, so I don’t think I’ll be hurrying to come again when I’m back here lecturing in May 2026. We were divided into rows depending on our preferred tour language. In the end I plumped for English as they unreasonably didn’t have an option for people who talk like the Peaky Blinders. 

Following a 15-minute train journey keeping our extraneous parts well within the carriage, we were let out to follow our English-speaking guide along the narrow passageways, and following an Italian group up ahead. Fortunately, I have been undergoing counselling to deal with my uncontrollable reaction to SATTAS (Stopping Abruptly To Take Annoying Selfies). Some Italians had fallen behind their group and ended up just ahead of me, stopping every few metres to take selfies, pulling faces, standing on one leg, puckering their lips, frowning; you name it, they were posing it, and I couldn’t get past. I was very close to finding an alternative use for one of the stalagmites when I managed to squeeze past them and made my escape. 

Apart from annoying selfie takers, the cave is also famous for its salamanders which live up to 100 years. They just sit around waiting for food to come along, which sounds like a good life to me; the only downside of course is they have to have their picture taken with selfie mad Italians. 

Centuries ago, people believed the Salamanders were baby dragons, adding substance to the various legends about such mythical beasts in the region. One popular story tells of Jason (of Argonauts fame) killing a terrifying dragon he came across on his way back home with the Golden Fleece. They clearly cut that bit out of the film or substituted it for the skeletons that used to freak me out and give me nightmares when I was a kid. Another tale of course is about St. George defeating the beast. But I don’t think it can be the same St. George as in England, because I didn't see any middle-aged balding men painting red crosses on roundabouts. 

Our second stop took in Predjama Castle which didn't feature in Game of Thrones, contrary to popular belief. Keeping with the cave theme it’s the largest Cave Castle in the world, although I didn’t realise that was a category in the Guinness Book of records. It reminded me a bit of Colditz for those old enough to remember the TV series, and of course the board game, which always ended up in a fight because no one wanted to be the guards. 

Lake Bled

Lake Bled Castle and Church

The final destination was Lake Bled where seemingly everyone goes when they come to Slovenia, except for the Slovenians because they say it's far too crowded. Unfortunately, the light wasn’t great for photos of the famous Island, but I’ve done my best.