BENTLEY MEMOIRS The bells of Ljubljana, deep fried Mars Bars, and accommodation reviews - A Grumpy Guide
 | David was Head of Asset Management at CIPFA for over 20 years but has recently ‘semi-retired’ and moved to live in the Scottish Highlands north of Inverness. If you are interested in his photography website and ‘Grumpy’ travel guides, they can be seen at https://davidjbentleyphotography.com/ .You may even be tempted to stay at his Bed and Breakfast which can be viewed at cuillichmill.co.uk; if it’s any comfort, he assures me that he is not responsible for cooking the breakfasts. |
In his inimitable style, David recounts reviews of his Scottish B&B, and trips to Aberdeenshire and Slovenia. I’m not sure if it was meant just for me (in the certain knowledge I’ll never venture that far north), but David’s now committed to ACES’ members discounts if you stay at his B&B! |
Another busy Summer’s over, and the worn-out Cuillich Mill Bed and Breakfast proprietors are looking forward to slowing down a bit. This year, however, we have decided to stay open during the winter months (apart from holidays) to cater for some regular business guests and the very occasional tourist. We are shut from Christmas Eve to Boxing Day in case you were wondering, but we’ve already got guests booked in over the rest of the festive period. It’s probably an age thing, but the time does seem to be flying by, possibly also something to do with enjoying life (even for a grump like me).
Ljubljana
May saw me back in Ljubljana (which I’m still trying to spell correctly), teaching the second half of the Diploma in Asset Management. I didn’t put anyone to sleep as far as I can tell, so that’s a major success as far as I’m concerned.
On the subject of sleep, I did struggle while I was there, however. I suppose it’s because I’m so used to the quiet of the highland countryside, where the loudest nocturnal noise you hear is the occasional solitary owl, or depending on the season, the enigmatic mating call of a wild haggis. I could also attribute my lack of sleep to the bells of the nearby Saint Nicholas's Cathedral, whose sole mission seemed to be bursting into life just as I’m dropping off. All through the night the chimes came every 15 minutes, not sure if Quasimodo had found his way there after Notre Dame had the fire a few years back, but you’ve got to admire the fortitude of whoever was ringing those bells. Four rings for quarter past, two sets of four for half past, three sets of four for quarter to, and then on the hour, four sets of four, followed by a different, deeper bell loudly chiming out the number of hours. The exception to this is 7 a.m., when the loud deep bell repeats continuously, calling worshipers to Mass, or at least that’s what I think it was. Alternatively, they have invented a new time of 135 o’clock (yes, the quantity surveyor in me did count them all).
I was staying again at Hotel Slon, which has got somewhat of a long history. It was originally named after an elephant named Suleiman (Slon is Slovenian for Elephant), which accompanied Archduke Maximilian II in 1552. I understand the Archduke came to the hotel interested in attending the Asset Management Diploma, but in the end decided not to wait 473 or so years until we created the first module. Another famous visitor in 1800 (with a plaque in the lobby to prove it) was Admiral Nelson, along with his great love, Lady Hamilton. He too must have heard about the Asset Management course, and who knows if he had attended, he might have organised something differently at the Battle of Trafalgar. Maybe then he wouldn’t have been hit by a cannonball and thus still be alive today. We will never know.
I was hoping to use my day off (Saturday) to see more of the wonderful Slovenian countryside, but alas the weather forecast wasn’t conducive to a jaunt in the mountains. I even felt guilty that I might have brought the Scottish weather with me, despite emptying all my pockets through the security checks at customs. The locals, however, attributed the inclement conditions to the ‘Ice Saints’, a mid-May weather phenomenon that brings a sharp drop in temperatures, frosts, hail, rain, and even snow. The responsible (or irresponsible) saints in question are St. Pancras (of railway fame), St. Servatius, St. Boniface, and then finally St. Sophia (or "Wet Sophia"), known as the weeping saint for the heavy downpours she brings. One of the other saints had clearly upset her this year because it rained and rained, then rained some more, with hail, thunder, and lightning thrown in for good measure. In fact, I’ve never seen such rain, as I was remarking to Noah as he sailed past the hotel.
So, in the end, I decided to catch a bus to Trieste, just over the Italian border. I’m informed it’s simply Trst in Slovenian with a heavy emphasis on the rrrrrr. To be honest, I’ve always felt that vowels are a bit overrated. I practised my Trst pronunciation all the way over on the bus, earning several curious glances from nearby passengers. In the end, Trst provided enough interest (or ‘ntrst’) for a day, and at least I could run into one of the numerous coffee shops whenever Sophia felt the need for more of her waterworks.
Aberdeenshire
A late cancellation in June meant we had a ‘WOO’ (window of opportunity, as they say in the trade) and we decided to take a few days off in the motorhome. The weather forecast, however, was doubly rubbish. Firstly, it was ‘worryingly rubbish’ in that it predicted heavy rain for all three days, but as it turned out it was also ‘favourably rubbish’ because the forecast was totally inaccurate and it hardly rained at all.
We plumped for a part of Aberdeenshire we hadn’t visited before and ended up in Alford (or Aford as the locals pronounce it). The first day was a visit to Stonehaven, famous around the world as the hometown of Robert Thomson, inventor of the pneumatic tyre, though it’s not reported whether he had an inflated opinion of himself. Probably even more widely known is that Stonehaven is the birthplace of the deep-fried Mars Bar. This so-called delicacy was invented in 1992 at the ‘Haven’ Fish and Chip Shop (now called the ‘Carron’) by John Davie, who was either a culinary genius or, more likely, should have gone to Specsavers.
|  |
Just up the road is Dunnottar Castle, famous for hiding the Scottish Crown Jewels from Oliver Cromwell. It’s also one of the UK's most popular and photogenic ruins. Maybe Oliver C wasn’t into photography, so that’s why he didn’t visit, but it’s somewhere I’ve always wanted to take a camera. I'd prefer a dramatic sunrise or spectacular sunset, but we had to make do with early-afternoon sunshine, as you’ll see in the photo. It might have been a good thing to go in the daytime anyway, as the castle is said to be one of the most haunted places in the UK. A Ghostly Soldier and Hound, a Viking Warrior and a Green Lady are all said to vie for visitors' attention, although not at the time of our visit. Maybe they'd popped into town to pick up some deep-fried Mars Bars.
 |  |  |
On the second day we visited Balmoral, even though, like Oliver Cromwell, it’s fair to say I’m not really a royalist. I’ve got nothing against them personally (well, maybe there’s one or two exceptions), but I've always believed that everyone is made equal and I prefer not to doff my cap to someone just because they were fortunate to be born into a particular family. It didn’t help that we’d been listening to the latest biography of the former Prince (Andrew) that Leila had downloaded, and by the time we got to the gate I really was having second thoughts about contributing any more to their situation. The grounds, as you might guess, are lovely, all very well looked after, and it’s fair to say we enjoyed the experience. I was going to ask in the gift shop if they had the latest Andrew biography, but Leila told me to behave myself. Fortunately, no bowing, scraping or doffing was required because the family were down at a wedding in Gloucestershire on the day we chose to visit.
Our final day coincided with one of the world’s great annual sporting events. Not the Monaco Grand Prix, nor even England playing in the World Cup. No, we were lucky enough to experience the annual Ballater Duck Race. 12 giant inflatable ducks are launched on the River Dee and then they ‘race’ to the town bridge. The first duck under the bridge is declared the winner and paraded through the town accompanied by a pipe band. What could be more crazy, and yet just phenomenally wonderful.
Reviews
While the latter half of the Summer has been crazy busy, the earlier part was somewhat down on last year. We attributed it to a combination of the Trump factor/petrol prices and people staying home to watch the World Cup. One thing is ever present however, and love them or hate them, reviews are the mood swingometer in the hospitality trade. They dictate where we come up in the search engines for Booking.com, Airbnb, and other online accommodation channels, and they do matter.
While you could charge £250 for a shed with a rusty sheep trough to sleep in on Skye, and still be fully booked, over here the competition is much greater. A dropped point here or there can make all the difference.
Fortunately, we do very well. There’s always a moment of worry when you get a notification that someone has left a review, but 99.9 times out of 100 it’s very good. I can live with the fact that people tend to focus on the cuddly dogs, Leila’s breakfasts or the comfortable beds. Occasionally I do get a mention, even if people can’t remember my name and call me Clive, Robert or Steve. Anyway, we’re still top of the tree, and this year the lovely reviews keep coming.
There’s always a ‘but’, and I suppose it wouldn’t be a ‘Grumpy Guide’ if there wasn’t. Indeed, you can never please everyone.
OK, I can live with the reviews from a certain European Nationality who commonly score 9 out of 10, even if they think your service/accommodation is the best thing since sliced ‘brot’. I have had more than one tell me it is not in their culture to give 10 out of 10, even though we were the best B&B they’ve ever stayed in. But we do get the odd review that’s hard to fathom, and those are the ones you seem to remember
We had the couple who stayed in the Shepherd’s hut and marked us down on cleanliness because a spider came in through a window, they’d left open. “Spiders are very dangerous,” they told us in their feedback, but I’m still not sure what they expected us to do. Maybe I should have stood outside their open window all night with a flashlight and flamethrower; that might have done the trick.
Then there was the couple who attended a funeral in Invergordon and marked us down for location, because we were 5 miles from Invergordon. That was a couple of years ago, and I’m still trying to get the logic straight in my head.
We did, however, get what we felt was an unfair ‘location’ one this year as well. A couple in the Shepherd’s hut marked us down on location because, in their words, “there was nothing to do”. Now, if they were expecting a busy city break or even Euro Disney, maybe they shouldn’t have come to the Scottish Highlands. I’m afraid we would have had to charge them extra if they wanted me to do my famous song-and-dance routine in the garden each evening, or possibly a lecture on asset management; the scattered editions of ACES Terrier Magazines even didn’t seem to interest them.
I spelt it all out in our response, resisting the urge to go full Basil Fawlty; it went something like this.
“Thank you for your considered review. We were surprised you couldn’t find anything to do:
First of all, there are magical walks right from our doorstep
The BBC ‘Traitors Castle’ is a mile down the road
The car park for the historic Fyrish Monument, with stunning views in all directions, is 5 minutes away
The best place to see dolphins from the shore in the UK is 30 mins away
Around 40 mins is Cawdor Castle where Shakespeare set Macbeth
A similar distance to the north is Dunrobin Castle one of the most impressive in the UK
We have waterfalls, we have glorious sandy beaches, we have mountains, we have lochs, we have some of the most stunning views in the world
We have nature tours, walking tours, whisky tours, and golf tours
We have Haggis, Irn-Bru, Empire Biscuits, Cullen Skink and tablet; we have Highland Coos, and we have the one and only Nessie
I am not sure of any place in the UK that you can access such a variety of nature, landscape, legend, music, history, and culinary delights
We even have running water, electricity and Wi-Fi.”
Fortunately, we can count these kinds of reviews on one hand (one thumb, to be exact), and as we come to the end of another summer, we are still at the top. Right, I’m off to see Mickey Mouse and see what he charges for guest appearances. After that I’m going to measure the garden to see if we can squeeze in a roller coaster or log flume.
The article is accompanied by some ‘nothing to do around here’ pictures.
If you want to come and stop at the B&B then contact us at www.cuillichmill.co.uk and you might just get the ACES member discount.
Comments